| |
By Grant Usher
Dear Emily,
Through the years, you’ve often voiced your displeasure around your feelings that you were treated unfairly compared to your older exceptional sister, Karly. Mom and I always downplayed your grievances and told you that you were overreacting. Of late though, I have been troubled by the realization that we didn’t fully appreciate your feelings.
Why did this come to light now? Something happened recently that changed my perception of your experience. I was volunteering at an event where exceptional children learn to downhill ski, and as I assisted a couple and their children, I noticed something that spoke to what you have tried to tell us: The couple’s exceptional son was about seven; their daughter appeared to be two years younger – the same age difference between Karly and you. As I helped them, I was struck by the degree to which the parents focussed on their son and how quiet their daughter was. When I began to engage her, she opened up and relished the attention. It was then that it dawned on me that maybe you were right after all; that as the parents of an exceptional child as well, we unknowingly put your needs second.
Shortly after you were born, we became concerned about your sister’s lack of recognizable speech. We booked an appointment with our family doctor whose own concern led her to refer us to a pediatrician. That visit with the pediatrician changed everything. We were told that Karly would have lifelong challenges, but were not given the diagnosis of Cornelia de Lange Syndrome until months later. After the initial shock wore off, we experienced every negative emotion possible in the following year; a year, that left you - perhaps symbolic of your grievances - with very few baby pictures and only a partially completed “Baby’s 1st Year” book.
To say it was a difficult time would be an understatement. For years afterward, we had to deal with the loss not only of our dreams for Karly as her parents, but also of the experiences in life Karly may never have. From the moment we learned of her condition, an enormous responsibility was thrust upon us. We’ve had to continually advocate on Karly’s behalf, especially during her childhood around the education system. We’ve sat on committees, chaired school councils to give more input into teacher and educational assistant support, built relationships with resource personnel, participated in governmental workshops, and sat on various boards promoting inclusion. The whole experience was emotionally draining. These efforts, combined with our full-time work, left us with very limited time. I believe this is where, as parents, we could have found a better balance between your childhood needs and your sister’s.
There were many times we praised Karly for things she’d accomplished in order to reinforce what she’d learned. Looking back, though, we didn’t do nearly as much of this for you as we focused more on what you should have done or could have accomplished. You’re right, it wasn’t fair. We had much higher expectations of you around chores, grades, and your treatment of others and your sister, than we should have.
We also expected you to include Karly when you were doing things with your friends, because she had very few friends of her own and it became heartbreaking as she got older to see her be excluded by peers, especially when she stopped getting invited to birthday parties - which she loved to attend. Regardless, I recognize now that many times we didn’t allow you to have your own space.
So much of your life has revolved around your sister. Even though you were two years younger, we know you’ve always had to be the big sister. You’ve also had to do your own share of advocating for Karly. It’s time to recognize your feelings and to remind you that you are so very important to us. We want you to enjoy your own adult life without carrying the burden of the past.
So what kind of person do we see in you? We see a kind, intelligent, and strong young woman, who thinks of others, is mature beyond her years in so many ways, and knows what she wants in life. You are willing to work hard to attain a goal and success comes your way because you don’t see any other outcome. You have a good work ethic and people regularly tell us how proud we must be of you (assuring us that we’re not biased).
Although growing up with an exceptional sibling was far from easy, the experiences that arose from sharing your life with Karly have helped to define the wonderful young woman you have become. You’ve seen firsthand how hard work is necessary to attain a goal, a lesson you incorporated when you successfully became stage manager of the school play; how important the needs of others are, which you demonstrate with your volunteer activities and your availability to friends when they need you; the power of patience in teaching someone to learn, which you apply when teaching young children to ski; and the importance of accepting people for who they are, which you demonstrate when befriending kids at school that few others will talk to. Some lessons you are still coming to appreciate, such as the impact you can have on someone else’s life, and, yes, the lesson that life is not always fair.
But whether you recognize it or not, you have already impacted someone else’s life. Growing up with you as her sister has helped Karly to reach her potential in ways that we as parents could never have influenced. You have been her role model, her friend, her teacher, and her protector. Although you hated when Karly wanted to wear the same clothes as you, she was just telling you in her own way how much she looked up to you.
So now the next chapter in your life begins, Emily, as you enter university in another city to become an amazing teacher. I hope these words enable you to come to accept the negative aspects of the past and help you to understand that we were simply trying to survive the enormous weight of the experience the best we could as parents. Hindsight doesn’t allow your mom and I to go back and fix it all, but it does allow us to acknowledge your feelings and to look at who you have become to know we did many more things right. We love you and are so very proud of you.
Love,
Dad
As featured in Exceptional Family, Vol. 5 No. 4
We want to hear from you!
Are you an exceptional parent or grandparent with a story to share?
Contact us at submissions@exceptionalfamily.ca
|
|
